11th
Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage
6: marriage existed to speak to the needs of the larger group. it converted strangers into relatives and extended cooperative relations beyond immediate family or small band by creating far-flung networks of in-laws.
9: for centuries marriage did much of the work that markets and gov’ts do today. organized production and distribution of goods and people. set up political, economic, and military alliances. coordinated division of labor by gender and age. orchestrated people’s personal rights and obligations in everything from sexual relations to the inheritance of property. most societies had very specific rules about how people should arrange their marriages to accomplish these tasks.
18: in many peasant and working-class communities, too much love between husband and wife is seen as disruptive because it encourages the couple to withdraw from the wider web of dependence that makes the society work.
18: in many cultures, love has been seen as a desirable outcome of marriage, but not as a good reason for getting married in the first place.
19: a common saying in early modern europe was “he who marries for love has good nights and bad days.”
20: they must love each other deeply and choose each other unswayed by outside pressure. each must make the partner the top priority in life, putting that relationship above any and all competing ties. a husband and wife, we believe ow their highest obligations and deepest loyalties to each other and the children they raise. parents and in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in the marriage. married couples should be best friends, sharing their most intimate feelings and secrets. they should express affection openly but also talk candidly about problems. and of course they should be sexually faithful to each other. this package of expectations we have in the 21st century about love, marriage, and sex is extremely rare. when we look at historical record around the world, the customs of modern america and western europe appear exotic and exceptional…. for most of human history, successful marriages have not been happy in *our* way. ancient china —> sisters as backup wives. eskimos —> cospousal arrangements.
26: once we get past the seeming universality of marriage and examine the tremendous variations in the role it plays in different societies, it becomes much harder to define marriage and its reasons for existence.
31: prob the single most important function of marriage through most of history, although it is almost completely eclipsed today, was its role in establishing cooperative relationships between families and communities.
33: only very recently have parents and other relatives ceased to have substantial material stakes in whether individuals get or stay married. as a result, modern couples no longer have to let either partner’s kin tell them how to run their lives. this unprecedented independence of the married couple from their relatives and in-laws has allowed many husbands and wives to construct more satisfying marriages than those of the past. but it has also played a critical role in creating the “crisis” of modern marriage.
44: in early human societies, marriage was primarily a way to extend cooperative relations and circulate people and resources beyond the local group. when people married into new groups, it turned strangers into relatives and enemies into allies. as groups began to accumulate more resources and permanent rights over territory, some families amassed more than others. when that happened, wealthier families lost interest in sharing resources, pooling labor, etc, with poorer families. marriage became a way of consolidating resources rather than creating a circle of reciprocal obligations and connections.
70: three attempts to curtail aristocratic family power had particular significance for dev’t of marriage in western europe. 1st- dev’t of democracy in athens in 5th century BC. 2nd- universal law and private army in roman republic. 3rd- emergence of christianity as institution of universal brotherhood with trappings of state power.
76: athens was one of few societies in history prior to 19th century that idealized role of wives as dependent homemakers rather than work mates from their husbands.
84: agustus has profamily legislation in rome, partly to boost birthrate.
87: in 4th century, christianity became roman empire’s official religion, and church officials began to act as tax colelctors, record keeprs, and legal reps of the state as well as spiritual leaders of the people. over the next two centuries the christian church took on more quasi-governmental functions. when the roman empire collapsed, the pope headed one of the few institutions still able to raise money, administer law, preserve records, teach literacy, conduct int’l diplomacy, and claim overarching moral authority. as the empire broke up, local aristocracies struggled to control fledgling kingdoms that emerged. the church’s ideological and administrative resources grew indispensable, as did the pope’s blessing of a king’s authority.
124: western europe in the middle ages-> idea that men and women should be able to choose a partner was more widely accepted here than in other parts of the world.
125: in NW europe, when a man and woman married, they were expected to work their own land or establish their own trade rather than live as part of a larger family collective. so, marriage had to wait until they had accumulated or inherited enough to sustain a separate household. as a result, people in NW europe generally married later than elsewhere in the world. in england bet 1500-1700 the median age of 1st marriage was 26 for women, which is higher than the median for american women at any point during the 20th century.
126: because marriage in western europe established a productive partnership, rather than simply adding another female to an existing family enterprise, the main reason for marriage was not necessarily, as in roman times, “for the procreation of legitimate children.”
145: by end of 1700s, individuals encouraged to marry for love. marriage seen as private relationship between two individuals rather than a link in a larger system of political and economic alliances. where marriage had once been seen as fundamental unit of work and politics, it was now viewed as place of refuge from work, politics, and community obligations.
145: image of husbands and wives also changed during 18th century: husbands seen as economic motor, wife as sentimental core.
145: two seismic social changes spurred these changes in marital norms: 1st- spread of wage labor made young people less dependent on parents for a start in life. 2nd- freedoms afforded by market economy affected how society began to organize itself — social relationships should be based on reason and justice instead of force.
146: marriage came to be seen as private contract with public consequences, rather than public institution whose roles and duties were determined by family’s place in social hierarchy. 18th century enlightenment made love the most important criterion in choosing a spouse.
147: changed in US too, in two decades after american revolution, new englanders added companionship and cooperation to traditional qualities of thrift and industriousness that they looked for in a mate
148: people began to focus more on mutual obligations in a marriage, rejecting analogy between absolute rights of a husband and absolute rights of a king (which was a common way to look at a marriage)
149: 18th century critics of love-based marriage argued that free choice and egalitarianism could easily spin out of control. if the choice of a marriage partner was a personal decision, what would prevent young people from choosing unwisely? and if people were encouraged to expect marriage to be the happiest experience of their lives, what would hold a marriage together if things went for worse instead of for better?
152: move towards individual / equal rights in 18th century. people searched for new understanding of relationship bet. men and women that did not unleash “chaos” of quality but did not insist too harshly on women’s subordination. people begun to view each sex as having distinct character. women and men said to be so completely different in natures that they could not be compared as superior or inferior. women assigned a unique mor::al worth that had to be protected from contamination by involvement in men’s mundane spheres of activity. exclusion of women from politics was not an assertion of male privilege but a mark of respect and deference to women’s special talents.
154: the different nature of men and women was precisely what made them dependent upon each other for “marital bliss”
155: as division bet. husband’s wage-earning activities and a wife’s household activities grew, so did the sense that women and men lived in different spheres, with the man’s divorced from domesticity and the women’s divorced from the economy. in the 17th century, advice books urged husbands as well as wives to practice domesticity, but a century later, domesticity tumbled ouf of the constellation of masculine virtues. and, as housekeeping became homemaking, it became an act of love rather than a contribution to survival. Homemakers became cut off from cash economy and bega doubting their contribs, despite contributing a ton to running household — tending livestock, hauling wood, churning butter, cooking, etc.
156: new theory of gender difference divided humanity into two distinct set of traits… male sphere was active and rational, female was compassionate and humanitarian.
157: Elimintation of social controls on youthful courtng turned everyone into hos in early 1800s (by the day’s standard).
158: As social regulation imposed by church, state, and community eroded, middle and upper-class individuals in the eighteenth century looked to personal morality to take the place of external constraints. central to this was unprecedented emphasis on female purity and chastity. middle class began to define themselves in terms of sexual self-control and abhorrence of premarital or extramarial sex.
159: throughout middle ages, women had been considered lusty sex, more prey to their passions than men. virtue was thought to be attained through self-control; it was not innate or biological. in early 19th century, older view that women had to be controlled because they were inherently more passionate and prone to m: : oral and sexual error was replaced by the idea that women were asexual beings, who would not respond to sexual overtures unless they had been drugged or depraved from an early age.
159: emphasis on women’s intrinsic purtiy was unique to nineteenth centruy. result was extraordinary desexualization of women, or at least of *good* women — the kind a man would want to marry and the kind a good girl would wish to be.
162: by mid-19th century there was near-unanimity that love-based marriage was a recipe for heaven on earth. been accepted wisdom that in 19th centry, “normal” women lacked any sexual drives at all. frigidity labeled a virtue.
167: When Queen Victoria broke with tradition in 19th century and was married wearing all white instead of traditional silved and white gown and colored cape, she created an overnight “tradition”.
170: Men thought ot have strong sexual urges but were seen as unfortunate that had to be repressed and controlled.
172: Age of consent in nineteenth century in US states was 10, 11, or 12. in delaware it was 7.
177: Victorians were first people to try to make marriage the pivotal experience in people’s lives and married love the principal focus of their emotions, obligations, and satisfactions. In 17th and 18th centuries, even advocates of love matches believed that love developed after one had selected a suitable mate. people didn’t fall in love, they tiptoed into it.
179: exaltation of romantic love made people, esp. women, hesitatn to marry. had marriage trauma, wondering what would happen if a spouse did not live up to their high ideals. “better single than miserably married” was popular catchphrase. insistence that marriage be based on true love also implied that it was immoral to marry for any other reason, and also immoral to stay in.
186: Women still had to marry to survive. not until late 20th century did majority of women tell pollsters that love outweighed all other considerations in choosing a partner.
188: in earlier generations a man whose wife worked for pay presented a positive image of marriage as a union of yoke mates, or see himself as head of family workforce. a victorian man in his situation was likely to believe he lost his manhood.
189: cult of female purity created distinction in men’s minds between good sex and “good” women. many men could not think about a woman they respected in sexual terms.
190: women did have sexual urges, went to docs who would massage their pelvic areas to alleviate “hysteria”. medical textbooks make it clear docs brought women to orgasm. in fact, mechanical vibrator was invented at end of 19th century to relieve physicians of this time-consuming chore.
199: growth of independent youth culture was one of most dramatic features of early 1900s. pop culture saturated with sex. info on birth control. people dating (word first used in 1890s amongst working class, moving away from “calling” on a girl and her family)
200: 1/3- 1/2 of women in 1920s had pre-marital sex. drinking common. gray’s catarrh powder, a cough remedy, had as much pure cocaine as street coke of 1980s.
202: people started divorcing b/c marriages did not provide love, companionship, and emotional intimacy. deep intimacy was now seen as the best hope for stability in marriage. living this way meant people had to reach greater depths of emotional and physical intimacy than had been possible or necessary in the past. focused even more energy on sexuality. “sex-love and happiness in marriage do not just happen. eternal vigilence in the price of marital happiness” — margaret sanger. thus, young people needed opp to try a few people out before settling.
206: loyalties to parents now seen as sign of serious maladjustment.
208: by early 1920s men told it was unhealthy to repress masculine desires. women had to walk narrow line between having and repressing sexual desires.
214: chapte summary — by end of 1920s advocates of modern marriage had reason for cautious optimism. early 20th century transformations in sexuality, gender relations, and youth culture had updated victorian marriage, making it possible for more people to place marriage at the center of their emotional livse. love and marriage had become vital to most people’s sense of personal identity, with attachments to parents, siblings, and friends paling in compairson. marriage rates had risen, and unwed childbearing had dropped. in most countries, people married earlier and died later, so more people spent more of their lives married than ever before, despite the rise in divorce rates. the separation of spheres between men and women had eroded without unleashing the excesses of feminism. and although women were joining the workforce in increasing numbers, more wives and mothers devoted themselves to full-time homemaking than ever before.
225: early 1950s onfirmed optimistic view about stabliity of postwar marraige and gender roles. by 1959 half of all women were married by age 19, 70% married by 24. by 1960 marriage was universal in NA and WE, with 95% of all persons marrying. marriage provided context for every piece of most people’s lives. marriage was how practically everyone embarked on on his or her real life. it was the insitution that moved you through life’s stages. it was the be-all and end-all of life.
228: most families than ever before could achieve a decent, if modest, standard of living on the wages of a single male breadwinner. this unprecented marriage system was the climax of almost two hundred years of continuous tinkering with the male protector love-based marital model invented in the late eighteeenth centruy. this process culminated in the 1950s in the short-lived pattern that people have since come to think of as traditional marriage.
233: idea that marriage should provide both partners with sexual gratification, personal intimacy, and self-fulfillment was taken to new heights in 1950s. marriage was where people expected to find deepest meaning and have most fun in their lives. there was a new “fun morality” instead of a “goodness morality” — instead of feeling guilty for having too much fun, one is inclined to feel ashamed if one does not have enough. leading motivational researcher of the day argued that the challenge for a consumer socieity was to demonstrate that the hedonistic approach to life is a moral, not an immoral, one.
247: took 150+ years to establish love-based male breadwinner marriage as dominant model in NA and WE. took less than 25 years to dismantle it. marriage lost role as “master event” that govered young peoples’ sexual lives, their assumption of adult roles, their job choices, and their transition into parenthood. people began marrying later. divorce rates soared. premarial sex became the norm. and division of labor between husband as breadwinner and wife as homemaker, which sociologists in 1950s had believed was vital for industrial society, fell apart.
250: men and women tried to find fulfillment @ home in the 1950s, but when marriage did not meet their heightened expectations, their discontent grew proportionately. the more people hoped to achieve personal happiness within marriage, the more critial they became of “empty” or unsatisfying relationships.
251: men had named the problem of alienated breadwinner a decade earlier… they called it *conformity*… “suburbs were ‘jails of the soul’” — john keats
254: 1950s: premarital sex viewed as acceptable to men under most conditions and for women if they were in love… for women this was the case b/c they still had to worry about pregnancy. Pill: 1950s… for first time in history, any women in history could separate sex from childbirth. within 5 years of FDS approval, 6M+ women were taking the pill. by 1970, 60% of all adult women were using IUD or Pill or had been steralized. gave unmarried women a degree of unprecented sexual freedom.
255: social movements in concert with changes in women’s work roles and rights, brought on a series of far-reaching transformations in the 1970s. 1972: Title IX, 1973: Roe V. Wade, 1975: illegal to require married woman have her husband’s written permission to get a loan or credit card. legislators redefined marriage as association of two equal individuals rather than as the union of two distinct and specialized roles.
258: late 50s to late 70s found drop in support for conformity to social roles, and much greater focus on self-fulfillment, intimacy, fairness, and emotional gratification. many people believed. rampant housing inflation which pushed women into the workforce. as women spent more time at work, job became more important part of their identity.
260: changing tech and environmental factors forced people to move away from conventional scripts for behavior. as people became more likely to change jobs and neighborhoods frequently, they became more tolerant of unconventional marital or familial choices than accompanied unheaval.
260: all these changes led to newtensions between men and women. single women complained than modern men were afraid to commit to relationships. men muttered that modern women demanded the same repsect as men at work but still expected a man to pay for dinner. male breadwinners had to work longer hours to get by. full time housewives anxiously looked over their shoulders at the increased possibility of divorce. when husbands and wives both worked, they often argued over how to rearrange the divions of housework. working women scrambled to find trustworthy child care and resented husbands who didn’t feel equally responsible for doing so. more couples described themselves as very happy in 1976 than in 1957, but they were much more likely to say there were problems in their marriage than they had been in 1950s polls.
261: chapter summary - in less than 20 years, the whole legal, poltical, and economic context of marriage was transformed. by the end of the 1970s women had access to legal rights, education, birth control, and decent jobs. suddenly divorce was easy to get. at the same time, traditional family arrangements became more difficult to sustain in the new economy. and new sexual mores, growing tolerance for out of wedlock births, and rising aspirations for self-fulfillment changed the cultural milieu in which people made decisions about their personal relationships. during the 1980s and 1990s, all these changes came together to irrevocably transform the role of marriage in society at large and in people’s personal lives. everywhere too marriage began to lose its power to organize sexual behavior, living arrangements, and child rearing. all these economic, cultural, demographic, and legal changes converged in the 1980s and 1990s to create the “perfect storm” in family life and marriage formation.
transformation of marriage at end of 20th century
264: in 1960 1 in 10 women aged 25-29 were unmarried. in 1998, nearly 4/10. bet 1970 and 1999 # of unmarried couples who lived together increased sevenfold. in 1960 1 in 20 kids born to unmarried woman. in 1999 it was 1 in 3 (!)
268: 43% of all first marriages in US end in divorce within 15 years. people decide what they will and won’t put up with in a relationship today on a totally different basis from before. life extension increases also mean that the avg married cople will live for more than three decades after their kids have left home. no previous generation has been asked to make such a long-term commitment as married + raising kids + 30 more years of one-on-one time.
271: people less likely to wait for marriage to have sex b/c age of marriage is rising. fewer excuses not to honor existing marital commitments as divorce is readily available. boys today are more likely to begin sexual lives in romantic relationships than in exploitative encounters with so-called bad girls. a gf has more influence than a casual partner over the timing of sexual initiation and the use of contraception when sex occurs.
272: marriage has lots its priviledged leval and cultural position in USA. not yet (if ever) like sweden, where marriage is virtually indistinguishable legally and socially from cohabitation.
275: in contrast w/ medieval europe and colonial america, most young people go through an extended period when they do not live with and are not under the control of their parents. this large pool of singles, along w/ extension of lifespan, has contribued to stunning explosion of single living in western societies. more than 25% of US households now contain only one person. never before have so many people lived alone. the spread of solitary living and cohabitation reduces the social weight of marriage in the economy.
276: in 1950s, married couple represented 80% of households in USA. by 2000, it was 51% and married with children households were 25%. for first time ever, more single-person households than those with a married couple and children. married persons were still a majority of workforce and home buyers in 2001, but unmarried individuals were gaining fast, accounting for 42% of workforce and 40% of home buyers. also, lots of variation in age individuals marry at —> becoming more personalized, your history is composed “a la carte”. marriage was once part of the credentialing process to become an adult — like completing high school today. no longer.
277: marriage is riskier investment than in the past. gains of getting married need to be weighed against possibilites offered by staying single to pursue higher ed or follow a better job. greater likelihood of divorce makes it more appealing to leave your options open and invest in your personal skills and experience. moving lockstep through personal transitions in no longer a route to personal security.
278: marriage not dead. in US, married couples get 1000+ legal and tax benefits unavailable to singles. marriage as a relationship is taken more seriously and comes with higher emotional expectations than ever before. but marriage as an institution has less power over peoples’ lives.
282: individuals lead productive lives outside of the home so have to be more intentional than in the past about finding reasons and riturals to stay together.
286: by late 1990s 1/3 of women 35-44 were living with younger men. 2001 poll = 80% of women in 20s beleived more important to have husband who could talk about feelings than one who makes a good living.
286: high-income women in US much less likely to have children out of wedlock.
289: in 1950s and 60s marriage was way people settled down and made relationships work. now, most young people see marriage as something you do when you and your partner have settled down and relationship is already working.
290: marriage is no longer primary way that individuals organize their sex lives and child rearing, so we should be offering resources to promote healthy relationships, whether married or unmarried, and improve parenting.
290: women more likely than men to enter marriage, and more likely to become discontented once married.
292: working wives more likely to believ etheir marriages are egalitarian, and marital equality is now associated with greater marital satisfaction for men as well as women.
294: male breadwinner families predominate in bottom 25% and top 5% of income distribution
295: contemp. couples expect to share breadwinning and child-rearing more equally than their parents. but after birth of kids, more “traditional” arrangements (male breadwinner) can destabilize relationship and increase stress —> woman feels isolated, man feels underappreciated for putting in more hours.
299: big problem not in differences bet. what men and women want out of life and love, the big prob is that achieving equal relationships in society who have school, work ,social programs, etc based on assumption of male breadwinner. of young men who wanted egalitarian marraiges, 60% said that if it was out of reach, they would choose modified male breadwinner marriage. 80% of women said they would rather go it alone than be in a traditional marraige.
299: reversal in attitudes ttowards marriage is happening: more women than men always rated marriage as being ideal lifestyle until 80s and 90s… by 2000, more men than women rated marriage as ideal lifestyle.
306: marriage served so many historial, political and social functions that individual needs of its members took second place. until 200 years ago, marriage became personal and private and should fulfill emotional and sexual desires. thus free choice became norm for mate selection, love became reason for marraige, and successful marriage became one to define meet needs of its members.
307: 4 barriers to love trumping marriage and thus idea that people could construct meaningful lives outside marriage and that not everything in society had to be organized around marriage
- conviction that there were innate differences in men and women, one of which was that women had no sexual desires. this died in 1920s.
- ability of community to penalize non-conformity. died with urbanization and rise of orgs (banks, etc) that cared more about educational credentials and financial assets
- combo of birth control and harsh penalties for illegitimacy. birth control in 1960’s and legal cat of illegitimacy abolished in 1970s made this reason go away.
- women’s legal and economic dependence on men and men’s domestic dependence on women —> 1970s and 80s women won legal autonomy and made huge strides towards economic self-sufficiency. proliferation of laborsaving goods like ready-made meals, perm-press fabrics, etc reduced men’s dependence on women
308: “the revolution in marriage has transformed how people organize their work and interpersonal commitments, use their leisure time, understand their sexuality, and take cae of children and the elderly. it has liberated some people from restrictive, inherited roles in society. but it has stripped others of traditional support systems and rules of behavior without establishing new ones.”
309: stables modern marriages are more appealing than those in the past. marriage no longer gives husbands right to abuse wives or sacrifice cildren’s education to benefit from their labor. no longer rigid double standard, no longer two standards of living. married people in western europe and north american are generally happier, healthier, and better protected against economic setbacks and psychological depression than people in any other living arrangement.
309: but marriage right now remains highest expression of commitment and packaged with expectations about responsibility, fidelity, and intimacy. married couples no longer have well-defined rules about behavior. non-marriage arrangements are still treated as temporary, however long they last. no consensus on what rules apply, we don’t even know what to call them.
311: b/c men and women no longer face same economic or social compulsions to get or stay married, it’s imp. that relationships begin as friends and build on basis of mutual respect. “love, honor, and negotiate” have to replace older rigid rules.
311: “on-going emotional investments in a marriage have to replace external constraints in providing ballast for the relationship. husbands have to respond positively to wives’ requests for change, as we have all inherited unconscious habits and emotional expectations that perpetuate female disadvantage in marriage.”
312: women are more likely to bring up marital issues for discussion b/c they have more to gain from changing these traditional dynamics. if a man responds positively to wife’s request for change, it’s one of best signs that they will stay together and have a happy marriage. it does not help if she keeps quiet for fear of provoking conflict. constructive, nonviolent anger does not usually lead to divorce, but stonewalling a partner’s request for change poses a big risk to marraige
313: structure of economy and values of culture encourage / force people to make more individualistic decisions than in the past. decisions about marriage and family life rest with the individuals involved, not with society as a whole.
313: most effective support systems for married couples, such as subsidized parental leave, flexible work schedules, high-quality child care, and access to counseling when a relationship is troubled, would make things easier for those constructing relationships outside of marriage.
313: “we can never reinstate marraige as the primary source of commitment and caregiving in the modern world. for better or worse, we must adjust our personal expecatations and social support systems to this new reality.”
